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I am 1 in 4 - Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance

I am 1 in 4.

I was 18 weeks pregnant and in excruciating pain. The day started just like any other, I got up, went to the office and worked a full day. I was having some stomach cramping - similar to that of when you need to take a poo and thought really nothing of it.

I left the office that day, in quite a significant amount of discomfort and drove to my parents house for my Mom's birthday dinner. I could barely sit and was baring down the entire drive over to their place.

About an hour after arriving at my parents place I went to the washroom as I was convinced that this was just insane stomach upset and while sitting on the toilet, did a self examination and I could feel something protruding out of my vagina. At this point I realized that something was wrong. Daren insisted that he take me to the hospital.

In Emergency, they did an ultrasound and baby was doing well and upon a physical examination the ER Doctor informed us that my membranes were bulging. The amniotic sac that the baby was in was pushing out of my body, my cervix was compromised and my body was no longer able to hold it in. I asked her if there was anything we could do, she told me that if I was 20 weeks, there are measures they could take and it was just too soon. Shortly after, my water broke.

The OBGYN arrived and told us that we were having a miscarriage. It was surreal. I felt oddly calm and just needed to know what the next steps were. We were to be transferred upstairs to the Labour and Delivery ward where I would give birth to our baby. I will never forget the look on the ER Nurses face as they wheeled me out of the ER and down the hall - she was so solemn and could barely make eye contact with me. Ok, I thought, this is it. You are losing this baby and there is nothing you can do about it. Now you just have to stay in the moment, stay in this experience because no matter how excruciating it is, stay in it, feel it and take in each and every moment.

They gave me some peanut butter toast and a dissolving dilator to help open my cervix back up as after my water broke it had closed up again. Contractions started slowly, my Dad took Daren to get some food and my Mom stayed with me for a bit. The nurses brought me warm blankets and made me feel extremely comfortable and cared for. They continued to check on me and ask if I needed or wanted any pain management and I was adamant that I wanted to feel everything. I needed to feel everything for my brain to fully understand what was about to happen.

I was so intimately connected to my body that I called the nurse when i knew it was time. She came in and said well let me get you up on the bed and I will check you and sure enough babe was ready to come.

I don't know how long I pushed for - time was not a concept during this time. times that were confirmed were being admitted into Emergency at approximately 6:30pm and I gave birth to Deacon at 1:15am the following day - December 8th 2016.

We were able to see him, take him in, admire him. Every line on his face, his lips and nose. He was truly the most perfect being I have ever seen. Sometimes I worry that I will forget what he looks like. That his image will be lost by my memory bank - Daren has assured me that will never happen. He is with me in soul undoubtedly.

Being 1 in 4 is not a comparison game or something to be held as a deep dark secret. It is a badge of honour! I am still on my journey to becoming a parent. Daren and I have yet to conceive and will be opting for adoption in the coming months.

Please know that my story is just one of many and whether your lost your baby at 5 weeks or 40 weeks or your lost your child to any of the other awful ways they are taken from us, please know that you are not alone. I am with you always. This children come to us with the greatest gifts they have to offer and that is Love. Deacon showed me that I have a depth of love that was untapped and I truly did not understand the power that I hold.

Your child is a gift to you - yes the loss is excruciating and the journey call be long, cold and dark AND - you are a warrior! I am a warrior and I would walk this path again if it meant that I would have the opportunity to hold his little body in mine for just one more day.

Much Love to all of your Moms out there! I am with you!

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