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It is in Darkness that we See Light

Next week I will be celebrating my 35th birthday, Mother's Day and Deacon's Due Date - all in one foul swoop of a 4 day span.

It is hard to tell if I have been burying my feelings or if I just haven't even realized how this all snuck up on me.

This past weekend I drank so much that I blacked out, don't remember a thing, and felt absolutely terrible for the next couple of days. I was unable to eat, I could barely hold down water and amidst the physical ramifications of my decision to over drink, my mental health took a big hit.

In my regular life, I drink very occasionally and usually a glass of champagne or two or a cocktail. In my early 20's I used drank quite significantly on the weekends and eventually after meeting Daren and getting older, I realized how much I disliked being hung over and feeling shitty about myself that I really cut back on booze in general.

In reflection of my night of obliteration, I have come to see a bit of a pattern for myself that I am not comfortable with. Over the past year, I have had 2 nights of drinking WAY too much and both coincide with anniversaries of Deacon.

For the past two years, End of April/ Beginning of May have been a really difficult time and it appears that this one is coming without exception.

The thought that Deacon would have been turning 3 years old on May 11th. We would have had a 3 year old running around, climbing, learning, loving and we would have been parents.

I am turning 35 and although the number doesn't bother me per say, I am acutely aware that in the fertility world, 35 is at the high risk end. My biological clock continues to tick and we are no closer to deciding what the next step is for us in our journey to becoming parents OR if there is a next step at all and we are just to live our lives the old fashioned way and see what happens.

Now sandwiched between these two milestones is a day of immense love and gratitude and a of deep grief and sadness - Mother's Day. The day that I am grateful to celebrate all the incredible mothers in our life. The day we shed a little extra love and light upon our own mothers and also the day that I am reminded that I am not a mother in the way I want to be and that I am reminded that I will never have the opportunity to watch Deacon grow and learn and love the way I so badly wish I could.

I seek to always understand myself better. How I tick, why I behave the way I do, what behaviours are connected to which feelings - and now I am seeking to understand alcohol and its role in accessing my grief. This is not a practice or behaviour that I feel is working for me or benefiting me in any way and therefore, this is my opportunity to get curious, ask questions of myself and seek the answers of what I need to better support myself in my grief and in my mental health.

This week, I will meet with my counsellor and I will also give myself the space and time to explore the feelings that I am having. Today Daren and I went to the beach and put our feet in the ocean. The tears began to flow as I connected to nature, I was able to connect to the reservoir of emotion that was ready to move. I cried and talked and cried some more and he listened, ankle deep in salty ocean water, sand between our toes, I felt released.

Sometimes I forget to take care of myself and I promise myself that I will continue to seek and surrender to all that is me. The good, bad and the ugly. It truly is in darkness that we see the light.


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