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Just when you think you are done...



There have been many times over the past 2 years, since we started our IVF journey, that I have needed space and a break from the roller coaster ride that is the journey of infertility. The peaks and valleys of emotion are truly surreal and just when you think you don't have any steam left, there will be a new wave of hope, a new protocol or a renewed sense of trust and surrender that guides you into the next step.


We did our last transfer (transfer with embryo #5) in December of 2018 and when that transfer was unsuccessful, we decided to take a break - the longest break we have taken thus far in our journey. If I am being completely honest, I was done.

Going into this last transfer, I was in the best health probably of my life. I had been working with the naturopath for 3 months to prepare my lining, getting my cycle functioning optimally, eating all the right things, I was emotionally, mentally and spiritually prepared for this next shot at becoming parents. We went at this transfer with all the guns blazing. We pulled out all the stops. We opted to mimic an egg retrieval and do all of the injections to fully "prep" or trick my body into believing that it was pregnant, had a nice juicy lining to welcome that little beautifully developed and perfect condition embryo. It truly felt like the stars had aligned and this was going to be a successful transfer.


We were wrong.


All the work that I had done preparing my body for months was out the window in just under a month. My period came with a vengeance of 1000 periods, the cramps were insane and I felt like absolute shit. And, once again, my work was cut out for me to get back to nourishing, comforting and supporting my body.


8 months later and I would say that my cycle is finally back to normal and my body is starting to feel like mine again. I am working through the relationship that I have with this body and working to find love and compassion for it.


Daren and I have 2 embryos left from our first egg retrieval and have been giving a ton of thought to our next steps in our life. We are from time to time checking in with each other to see if being parents is still something that both of us want. After nearly 9 years trying to conceive, it is important for our sanity and for our relationship to have these check ins. Hearts can change as life changes and I always want to ensure that we are on the same page and communicating our feelings.


6AA Embryo Ready for Implantation

So with 2 embryos left and both of us desiring to expand our family still, we made two appointments. One with the fertility clinic to discuss our options with the two remaining embryos and the second appointment with an adoption agency. As of now, our success percentage with the fertility clinic sits at 20% (we should be in the 60-75% success category), meaning that out of the 5 embryos we have implanted, only 1 has taken successfully and that was Deacon (we all know the outcome of that). So with 7 embryo's total - statistics show that at a 20% success rate only 1.4 embryos will be successful.


I had been doing some research and found that the success rates on a natural cycle (meaning that they do not introduce any additional hormones to the body during the conception cycle and work with the natural rhythms of your body) are equally as successful as those done on a hormone cycle. They are much less common however AND I was sold that this was the only that that I would be willing to explore another transfer round.


We met with our fertility doctor and I laid our my plan of how I would like to proceed. Natural cycle and with our success rate being so low, I told her I want to implant both embryos at once. Up until this point we have been doing on at a time so we have done 5 total transfer.

She agreed that doing a natural cycle would be a fine idea and although she isn't in full support of putting both embryos in, she said its my body and our embryos and we can make that decision for ourselves.


I need to go for another Hysteroscopy (a procedure where they put a camera up into the uterus and make sure that the lining is clear of any polyps, extra skin etc. to ensure the surface is ready and open to accept an embryo trying to implant) and the wait list is 3-6 months to get in for one. I have to say that previously I would have been really bent out of shape over having to wait to get in for the Hysteroscopy as that means that the implantation with be delayed. However, this time I feel calm, that this is going to happen in the timing that it is meant to and in the meantime, we have an appointment scheduled with the adoption agency at the end of the month to look at exploring that avenue a little further as well.


Staying open to possibility, trusting and surrendering and staying the path is the only way to make it through. Connect with your partner, be vulnerably, share your deepest and darkest thoughts and hold space for one another as your process and adjust your life to the new way of being. Its OK to change your mind, its OK to go in a different direction, the same direction or more than one direction at the same time. This life is messy and confusing and filled with all the love and joy that you could ever want if you are open enough to receive it. Fill up your cup and keep on taking the steps, no matter how tiny those steps may be.


xo

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