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May is Blooming Grief

At this time of the year, with spring upon us, the energy feels renewed, ideas are flowing and excitement for the start of longer days, blooming flowers, trees growing a new set of leaves, is upon us.

With all of these feelings of newness and growth, discovery and excitement, there has been a rise and fall of steady sadness and unsettled grief.

For the past two years, this feeling comes twice a year in late November/early December and in late April/early May.

These feelings creep up on me when I least expect them and I become less tolerant, more irritable, sad without fully understanding what is going on for me and tired - oh so tired. I want to cocoon and hide away.

It is a call; a need even to get quiet, tune in, acknowledge and get curious about the rise and fall of emotion.

I miscarried in December. Deacon was born on December 8th 2016 and he was due on May 11th 2017.

Grief is a curious emotion and rises when you least expect. Grief has no concern for your plans, schedules or to do list, it only wants to be seen, acknowledged, felt and processed.

It is becoming easier and recognizing its rise and how my behaviour changes when it is there happens quicker than before. I am realizing that when I say "I don't know" to why I am feeling a certain way, this is a deeper call inward to get curious and discover what is going on for me.

I see myself as a boulder in a body of water. The way the water hits the boulder changes by the second. At some point the water is engulfing the whole stone, completely covered, unable to access the air. In other moments, the water is merely lapping at the edge of the stone; most of the stone is dry and air freely flows to it. There are times when the stone is only half covered by water and the top of it is dry. This is what my grief feels like. There have been times when I literally feel like I am underwater and I cant access air. Other times, and more times as time and healing has taken place, that the grief merely laps at the edge of me. I know its there and I can feel its light touch from time to time and for the most part, it is at bay, I am at peace.

With the upcoming due date and mothers day just around the corner, I feel like the grief has been rising. I am still able to access air, yet need to do so with intention. If I don't practice staying present with the grief, if I don't practice feeling through the grief, it may over take me.

The grief comes as a reminder, of how far I've come, the importance of feeling and healing my traumas and all the emotions that come with that. It is here to remind me that as Mother's Day approaches, I AM A MOM. That our little boy made me a Mom and that I need to care for myself in anyway I need to in order to continue putting one foot in front of the other.

To celebrate Deacon and reminisce about how our life may be different if we had a two year old running around. Celebrate our marriage and our connection. Time to Celebrate! xo

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