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Tender Hearted - 3 years later

3 Years...

A day when we met our son for the first time and said goodbye to him in the same breath. A day that forever changed me as a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, an employee, a friend, a family member and every and all other labels that I held including human being.

Deacon lead me to a life I never knew possible and while making me a mother for the first time, he also showed me that being a Mom is not the only/most important job I will have in this life. Deacon was the catalyst to the discovery of why I was put on this planet at this time in this body and life. Deacon's birth humbled me, brought me to my knees and challenged every belief I had ever held about myself.

It is curious how I can look back on my life before Deacon and see so many opportunities that I had to step in to this work and fully step in to what my soul was calling me towards. I dabbled, dipped my toe in and was so terrified of stepping in fully. I felt like if I did, I wouldn't be ready to be a Mom. I had a pre-planned life that would set us up with a 3 bedroom house (room for a nursery), an SUV (to fit a car seat), a job that had benefits and all the jazz you need to make up the hours necessary to go on maternity leave. I would never strive to anything that may be conceived as taking away from being a Mom.

I grew up believing that being a Mom was THE most important and most profound title I would ever hold and that it would be my EVERYTHING. Nothing else mattered...

Boy was I wrong.

I will forever be Deacon's Mom and losing him has also lead me to a life far greater than I could ever have imagined. I have been guided to a life of enrichment and love, founded on a foundation so solidly anchored in who I am authentically and what my soul is guiding me to, that I can now see that being Deacon's Mom is precious to me and I hold that title near and dear AND I am a woman changing the world for other women. I am an advocate, a safe space holder, a solid foundation, a role model, a loving, kind, open, authentic, vulnerable woman who is choosing to walk the earth each day in the skin I was given sharing the love and guidance that I have in abundance to anyone and everyone that needs it.

December holds a great deal of heat and emotion behind it as we head into the holiday season This time of year can be marked with deep crevices of grief and pain as we are reminded of all we have lost in our lives. I am no exception to this. Yesterday, December 8th, was Deacon's "Birth" Day and i struggled to find the space that I needed to process. The emotions have been brewing for a few weeks and I am challenged by my feelings of intense love and gratitude that simultaneously exist amidst feelings of sadness, and a sense of desire to know the feeling of bringing a baby home and having the privilege of loving and raising them.

18 weeks I grew him in my body and the impact he made will undoubtedly last a lifetime or more. Today I have given myself the space to cry, mourn, explore and emote in any and every way I needed to. In these times I am reminded to meet myself with grace, love, compassion and a boat load of space.

To anyone struggling, Please never struggle alone. I am here - reach out anyway that feels comfortable and know that near or far, sharing a cup of tea and a kind word can be all a tender heart needs to get through another day!


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